I made it through another difficult night without causing any destruction to myself. And I am having a pretty positive day so far. My boyfriend came home during his lunch break to make sure I was okay, we ate lunch together, and then kissed a bunch. This is good.
I know I am strong enough to keep fighting.
I truly think I need to go back to therapy.
I have spiraled downward so hard, that I cannot pick myself up anymore. I just can’t. I am sick to my stomach with self hatred. Absolutely sick. My depression has been beating me in the face every single day. I think about blowing a bullet through my head all the fucking time, doesn’t help that I have access to about 5 guns here. I am so tired of being the way I am. Nothing in this world has ever effected me the way I have effected myself. And it is such a hopeless feeling.
I am in desperate need of help. All I want to do is tear myself apart.
So I know I don’t talk enough on here for any of you to actually care about my life.
But, I just got my first car. This is groundbreaking news for me. I got it for $600 dollars, it has some issues, and cleaning it has been a hassle, but I have $500 more to spend on repairs. So It’ll be looking, and driving good in no time. (as long as nothing is too messed up to fix, that is)
What this means for me is: I can get a better job, I can drive to see my sister whenever I want instead of weeks at a time, I can visit my boyfriend at work since I hardly ever get to see him these days, I can take my dog on more adventures, and I can finally have the freedom I’ve been working my ass off for.
The day I got it I was very, very depressed, which prevented me from being able to enjoy the excitement. But I feel a little better today, so I decided to share my success story. I can’t freaking believe I actually got a car. Wow.
"I want to get more comfortable being uncomfortable. I want to get more confident being uncertain. I don’t want to shrink back just because something isn’t easy. I want to push back, and make more room in the area between I can’t and I can."- Kristin Armstrong (via psych-facts)